I had a tough day today and during one especially
challenging episode, as I was melting down and feeling helpless to make the changes necessary, I felt a deep longing for the woman I used to be…you know,
before cancer.
She was strong and
capable and always knew what to do. She
was spontaneous and lusted for adventure.
She was healthy, vivacious and always had a good word for others. She’d try anything (reasonable), do what others
could not and had the energy of a 40 year old.
(She was not the least bit vain – ha, ha) and she could deal with my day
so much better than I am dealing with it.
I am no longer that woman…and I miss her.
I am well aware that, for reasons not under my control, I am not the same as I was. As a result of my
cancer and subsequent treatments, I have physical limitations that prevent me
from doing what I used to do. I am not
as capable as I once was. I can no
longer “do anything," my get up and go got up and went and, well...you get the
drift.
I know there are aspects of the “old me” that remain and that I may be too kind in the memory of my former self, remembering her at her best and not at her "everyday." I realize too that I retain some of who I was. What remains is hopefully the "best of" me and I can rely on those aspects to compel me forward to continue on my journey.
Still, I miss the pre-cancer me.
I know too that this journey I am on will
continue to change me in profound and yet unimagined ways – some for the better
and perhaps some for the worse. I can look forward with curiosity and excitement to
discovering new aspects of myself as I continue to adjust to my new reality and eventually, I hope I can eventually embrace the me I am becoming.
