Tuesday, April 23, 2019

I miss the woman I used to be.

I had a tough day today and during one especially challenging episode, as I was melting down and feeling helpless to make the changes necessary, I felt a deep longing for the woman I used to be…you know, before cancer.  
She was strong and capable and always knew what to do.  She was spontaneous and lusted for adventure.  She was healthy, vivacious and always had a good word for others.  She’d try anything (reasonable), do what others could not and had the energy of a 40 year old.  (She was not the least bit vain – ha, ha) and she could deal with my day so much better than I am dealing with it.

I am no longer that woman…and I miss her. 

I am well aware that, for reasons not under my control, I am not the same as I was.  As a result of my cancer and subsequent treatments, I have physical limitations that prevent me from doing what I used to do.  I am not as capable as I once was.  I can no longer “do anything," my get up and go got up and went and, well...you get the drift.   

I know there are aspects of the “old me” that remain and that I may be too kind in the memory of  my former self, remembering her at her best and not at her "everyday."   I realize too that I retain some of who I was.  What remains is hopefully the "best of" me and I can rely on those aspects to compel me forward to continue on my journey. 
Still, I miss the pre-cancer me.  
 I know too that this journey I am on will continue to change me in profound and yet unimagined ways – some for the better and perhaps some for the worse.  I can look forward with curiosity and excitement to discovering new aspects of myself as I continue to adjust to my new reality and eventually, I hope I can eventually  embrace the me I am becoming. 

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