Saturday, June 17, 2017

Not All Days are Good

I woke up today with the knowledge (neither the fear, nor the feeling…but the “knowledge”) that my cancer was going to kill me -- and sooner rather than later.  Oddly, it was not a shocking realization and nor a particularly threatening one.  I am not afraid of dying or of what comes next.  I’m even comfortable with the process based on an explanation given to me by my oncologist.

The knowledge did however deeply impact my perspective and I’ve been distant and removed from everything and everyone since. To put it bluntly, it feels as if I am already dead.  

My body is still here, in the physical, of course, but it is not “mine” anymore.  Instead it belongs to the medical community.  They poke it, cut into it, and insert filters and ports and other mechanical devices to monitor the progress of my disease and to make their jobs easier.  Once a week they poison it with strong chemicals aimed at killing the fast dividing cancer cells.  Those same chemicals also damage/destroy healthy, life sustaining cells.   Whenever I experience a symptom related to treatment I am told to add more chemicals to the mix.   Better a series of pills than the experience of nausea, headaches, no energy, sleeplessness, restless legs and joint pain and so on.

If I am lucky enough on any given day not to have any symptoms requiring additional pills, I find that I am in withdrawal and have issues with not having those drugs in my body.  How did I get talked into agreeing to deal with my cancer in this way?   Should I continue treatment or “knowing” I’m going to succumb to cancer eventually, stop treatment and let nature progress on its own terms?

While my body functions in conjunction with the prescribed medical treatments, it is not at all aligned with my spirit.

My spirit realizes the vessel in which it has been experiencing physical life is soon to expire.  It has not yet found a new home, though it no longer wishes to reside in my body.  Instead, it hovers just outside, watching and waiting to make a decision as to whether to wait until the end to move on or to perhaps cut its losses and move on now to whatever is next in a spiritual life.  Is there anything more for it to learn and does it have anything more to give?

This “neither here nor there” situation makes it difficult to go easily about my day.  It makes it extremely difficult to interact with others.  I do not know how to spend my time.  I do not have the desire to do anything ordinary. It feels false and forced to try and create a new experience.   There is nothing I want or need and nothing I want to do or see.  I am disconnected from what I’ve come to know as myself and by extension from everyone and everything else.

So it’s time to re-evaluate what quality of life means and to give some thought on what I might have to look forward to and/or to experience in my remaining months.  Is it worth continuing treatment or should I stop postponing the inevitable and let cancer have its way?

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