Come, Sit with Me in Silence and Simply Be

I do not sleep much these days.  Not in the normal, six to eight hours a night kind of way. Instead, I nod off at an appropriate hour and wake up sometime after 1:00 am (often and oddly at 1:11 a.m. exactly) and remain up until I am called back to bed.

I am not in any discomfort and nor am I stressed.  My thoughts are not uncontrollably or randomly firing around the issues of “what if?” or “what next?” I am not worried about anything in particular.  Instead, I am calm and relaxed and slightly energized.  It is as if a very quiet voice is whispering to me, “Come, sit with me in silence and simply be.”

And so I do.  I will go outside on the deck and wrapped in a blanket on a cozy lounge chair, gaze at the night sky, and watch the moon move slowly across the black velvet background dotted with sparking lights of stars dancing in the distance.  During this time, I try to remain as quiet as possible and listen to what I am meant to hear. 

Tonight, I “heard” that my cancer diagnosis is not a thing to be feared or dreaded.  It is not a curse that will render me lesser in the months and years to come.  Instead, it is a blessing that will bring yet unknown joy and unexpected learning that will make me “more” when it is resolved. 

It is said that a wound is the place where the light enters you.  Perhaps my wound, my cancer, is allowing a light I’ve yet to know seep into my being and illuminate emotions, thoughts, and experiences I’ve yet to know. Perhaps my condition will deepen my relationships to family and friends in new and profound ways.  Perhaps I will leave myself long enough to be free of all the deeply ingrained, self-limiting thoughts and behaviors, the long-instilled habits and patternistic thinking that has kept me from becoming who I am meant to be and I will emerge from this experience a kinder, wiser, more thoughtful, creative and limitlessly loving person.

Tonight I’m returning to bed with a sense of overwhelming peace and calm and an anticipation of new and deeper awakenings to come.

I cannot yet know where this journey will take me.  I only know that I am not where I was before my diagnosis and that I am on a new and unchartered path. 

It is one I look forward to walking and hope you walk it with me.